The Blue Elephant

I have a friend who I think has some degree of OCD/Schizophrenia. I don't think he realizes it. I just saw him and he's not doing well apparently. Not super bad, not at all, but not good either. There's this dimension to this sort of mental disorder where things that are a normal size take on super-normal proportions. And it's not just a fixation, it's a misunderstanding about reality. It's a belief in some dis-reality. I can see a stuckness in him. I've seen it before, in myself and another friend. A kind of frozen hesitation, a moment where no choice is the right one, where no choice leads away from the problem but only toward another same problem. A moment of bricked-in-ness.

It makes me sad because I can so easily see how he's misunderstanding things, but there's no way to convince him of that. He has to experience his own misunderstanding, I think, to somehow live out, in some fashion, how wrong he is so that he understands by feel until he can understand by concept. It's like staring at a standing pink elephant and being positive that it is a charging blue elephant. You're right that there's an elephant, you're wrong as to it's character and context.

Bad data is worse than no data. Bad data has to be ignored or discarded even though it continues to try to tell you something. Something which you find important and pertinent. Like a GPS system that is always telling you incorrect directions. If you're lost, even if you know they're wrong, it's still tempting to follow them.

Some think very highly of the potential of the human mind. I think it's dangerous to put too much faith in something so limited, something so fragile.

I hope he gets better soon.

I'm feeling really grateful at the moment. I had a really good day on Sunday, I just bought food for the week and there's money for gas, so with the roof over my head, and a job to go to, I'm feeling at peace about the immediate future. I've gotten to hang out with good friends recently, and am going to hang out with some more this evening, once I stop writing this. It's really, really good to see people smile when you show up. The more I live, the less I am caring about success and stuff, and the more I am caring about the very basic things of life. At this point, the necessities of my life feel like food, shelter, clothing, friends, and useful work. If I have those five things, I'm happy. I suppose having music is a hugely important non-necessity to me, and having common transportation (which in this society is a car) helps facilitate the liveliness of my necessities, but I'm not feeling the need to "get somewhere" or "be somebody" anymore. There's a lot of hope placed in various option-packages that can be added or supplanted for the basics. Philosophies, stature, stuff, etc., but as I've lived I've seen how difficult it can be to have the basics, and that makes me all the more grateful for having them now. And I think the real lynch-pin is knowing that you're loved. Loved by God and loved by friends. That's the necessity around which the others swing.

So here's to the basics! If you have these, you're living well. I hope you do, I hope you are. :)

-mike

I got to hang out with Ben and Matt and Dana and Ernie and Corey and Lyndsey (from Idaho! I hope it's spelled with a "y", not an "i", mostly just so I get it right.) It was awesome. We ate Taco Tonto's (thanks to those who made it possible for me to eat!), a real treat, especially when it's one of their world famous potato burritos. Katie's Korner, again, thanks to my beneficiaries.

It was really good to see Ben, whom I haven't seen in a couple years.

Got to see Harbourt Hall. Good to reminisce about some old times, richer times in many ways, poorer in others.

Good to have friends who appreciate you. I had a painful experience yesterday that reminded me of what it feels like to feel unwanted, and to follow that by meeting up/running into a bunch of people who appreciate you was really moving.

Pines from the Provinces

Speaking of Boards of Canada, here's the video to Dayvan Cowboy. It's frankly not the most typical BoC track, but gosh, it's great.



The first part of the video is official footage from Project Excelsior, a parachute-jump test project of the USAF. That is worth consideration in it's own right, but the ability to see the footage makes the video even more worthwhile.

For reasons as to why I consider Radiohead's All I Need to have a Boards of Canada feel, check this.

All I Need is From the Basement

Just watched Radiohead's performance of the majority of In Rainbows at From the Basement. Wow, wow, wow. I'm not a huge Radiohead fan, but I think In Rainbows is really amazing, from every angle. I dig the focus on the songs rather than the textures or sounds. And boy does it sound great. Mmmm.... yum, yum, delicious. I wish I could point you to.... well, let's see... yes, youtube has this. Here's All I Need, probably the most gorgeous track on the album, live From the Basement:



There's a real Boards of Canada sound going on with that bass guitar, although I have to doubt that's anything more than my own perception. Still, there's an odd kinship there at the moment.

I feel as though I should say a little something about From the Basement... They are an amazing program. You can find them here.

Be glad it's not *your* house

Well, I'm concerned this painting job is not going to last very long... The crew I'm with is just doing an awful job. Just truly awful. I'd like to say I'm doing a great job but I'm not sure that's true either. I'm not fast enough to be doing a great job nor am I skilled enough at cutting in around windows and such to be doing a great job. Still, I think I understand the job as a whole better than the other two people. I think the lesson of the experience thus far is: never hire an inexperienced project manager, and never throw all inexperienced people into a crew together. That last one goes without saying, or should. Oh, and it's confirming my belief in good procedures. Gotta have 'em.

I feel really bad for the home owner. I wish there was more I could do, but when you're one person out of three and not the one in charge, it's tough.

Painting Japan

Isn't that a great title? It makes me think of this neat little accordion-style foldout pack of postcards my parents got in Japan that I used to love when I was growing up. I like, I like!

I'm painting for the summer. Yay, painting. Super YAY for having a job! I can feel the greenbacks descending on me like soft summer rain. Oh the glory...of paying bills. Anyway, it's not a bad job. I enjoy heights, and it's nice to make something look nice.

My brother went to Japan this year, which is very cool. I think the two of us picked up a interest in Japanese things from being there when we were kids. Our folks did a nine-month professor exchange with Kansai Gaidai University to teach English to college students. I was two and Geoff was five. I'm sure he remembers way more than me. I remember just a few things, one being the super cool clear plastic umbrella with Formula 1 race cars on it that I had to leave in the umbrella stand at our apartment because there was no more room in the luggage. It was my birthday present when I turned 3. I was devastated. I remember crying. You know, I've never managed to keep an umbrella for any significant length of time, that one being the first. I guess it's fitting, somehow. Anyway...

Geoff went to Japan. And he took pictures. And he wrote all about it on his webpage. And it's very cool. And some of the pictures are just stunning. And I wanted to talk about that. The thing I love about these pictures is that they're both beautiful and normal. They're normal enough that you feel like these are real places and they're beautiful enough to generate a response in me. What binds the whole thing together is that I really feel as if I've been there in a way. Some of the pictures really made me feel transported to these places because they highlight both the normal and the sublime. And that's really unusual. Most "good" photography just looks amazing. But I don't usually feel "good" photography takes me anywhere. The image may be a beautiful rendering of a scene, but that doesn't necessarily describe it to me in a way I can relate to. So I'm really excited about these pictures that capture the stunning in the normal. My personal faves are pictures 2, 4, 6, 7, 9, 11, 12, 14, 15, 16, and 23. That's just under half the gallery that I think are special. Way to go Geoff!!

And, thanks to the last picture, and the good folks at Rameniac, I found out more information about one of my favorite-ever foods. I humbly thank you, Momofuku Ando, from my heart.

Oh, and apparently James (who have gotten back together! Whooo!) have recorded an album that seems to be equal parts Laid and Seven. Which is exactly how you spell AWESOME.

To you dear reader, the very best of everything.

pax,
mike

Well, I suppose it's time for an update of the ole blog. My last entry tells me I was in Washington, PA. That was some time ago. Only a month by calendar time, but eons ago by personal time.

Since then, I've slept in a cemetery, some parking lots, my car, recorded a wedding, considered moving into a homeless shelter, got the big wake-up call from that experience, been gifted with a room in the house of some really nice people, bought a po box, and gotten some leads on employment. I played disc golf yesterday and am looking forward to eating dinner with some friends tonight. Good days, bad days, all framed by the windows of a 1997 Buick Park Avenue

I helped a friend sort through the boxes of legal files of her deceased husband. That was an interesting experience and one I feel privileged to have had. The viewpoint on people's lives from their guardianships and probate proceedings is a fascinating one. Legal proceedings and financial records are not considered to be full of what most people consider "life", but it lends such an interesting angle to the light displaying someone's life. I got to witness the humanity and helpfulness of a lawyer in a way no one besides his wife has ever known. It was moving. I knew the man shortly before he died and getting to sort through these files helped to bring him alive as a whole person. It's such an interesting record. Full of little things, little insights and clues, little suggestions about the whole. A kind of written silhouette, a prose holographic projection, indistinct but with a suggestive certainty. It was an honor.

I turned 30 on June 20th this year. I think my abiding feeling about the change of numerals is a feeling of a loss of youth. It's sad and disquieting and good and wholing all together. Life hasn't gone to plan and I feel there's many things I've missed, baskets that haven't been filled, but it feels like there is a direct addressing that is happening now that was never there before. A kind of easy-paced continuing. enyh, whatever, but it's weird, the psychological shifting...

Cheers.