Something I thought about this week was how much poorer the economy is down here than in Ohio. I thought about how your wealth is not only determined by your own assets but the assets of the community you live in as well. For instance, I was richer in Ohio because I could get a couch for free pretty much any day of the week on any given week. I wouldn't have really had to go without a couch if I wanted one for more than a couple weeks. Here, I might have to go without a couch for months if I didn't have one.
I hate to say it, but the realization of how much wealthier people in Ohio are makes me angry towards those same people for not appreciating it and also simply because I'm envious. I wish I could say that wasn't true and it's certainly not a feeling I support but deep down, there it is. For some reason I've projected a failure just because I'm missing what I used to take for granted.
Ben Bunting sent out another mixtape which also makes me envious because I've been planning one but haven't gotten it done. For some reason, and I'm not sure why, I almost have a philosophical opposition to finishing things. I'm not sure why. I'm not sure if that's some sort of OCD thing or what the deal is, but I kind of feel like the idea that I can finish something without a good reason (read: the perfect reason) settled out is a sketchy one. It kinda scares me, that idea. So, I suppose that is OCD after all. Trust is a five letter word and I think I'm still stuck on four letter words... lol No, really, trust that the good thing will work out is not something that always applies in my mind. Not to things I really care about or have some vision for.
Ben, if you find this, well, I have to say that Coldplay's "The Scientist" is a great song, and if a great song on a mixtape is cliche, well, so are slushies on a hot day, but slushies on a hot day are still awesome.
Working at Coca-Cola gives me the blues. It gives me the blues because I'm tired of working with people who are so negative and also I'm tired of working in a situation where the job squeezes out your ability to care for people. Where people get in the way of the job. That's just absurd. There's always going to be that tension in any job, but to have it institutionalized by the requirements of the job is just like punching your heart with a knife day after day after day. It just doesn't seem healthy, does it?
By the time I left Ohio, I wasn't dreaming of leaving Ohio like I had for years before, but I miss a lot of things there. Mostly the community and the green, green, green. I can live without the green but without the community, the lack of green is just a constant reminder of how little life is around you.
I miss seeing the green of the Cuyahoga River valley as you cross is from Akron to the Falls. I miss the presence of so many people in my life. Another example of how wealth is as related to your community as it to just you. I'm a *lot* poorer without the presence of Abby and Lydia and Harry and Jason and Steve and Tessa and Sara and Evan and Becky and Aladdin's and KSU and Jon and Kate and Ben and Lay's and Taco Tonto's and Chuck and Eric and Shanna and Scott and Ria and Bryan and Dylan and everyone else whose names I'm too tired to list currently. You just wouldn't believe how good it feels to be growing and leafing out next to the people you love even if you don't hardly know half of them...you wouldn't know this unless you've left it behind...because leaving it behind gives you an objectivity and a context you couldn't see when you were still there. And in this case, that's a knowledge I'd be retrospectively happy to live without.
Of course that applies for Oklahoma, too, but probably less dramatically. I would miss my parents a lot if I weren't here. Heck, I miss them when I'm an hour away. Never thought I'd ever say that in my life.
Heaven just can't come quick enough. Why wait, God? The timing seems great to me right now.
I miss the hippie viewpoint. I also never thought I'd say that in my life, but there you go...Pass the ganja. jk. People down here think I'm a real stoner. I enjoy pushing those buttons just because it's so completely wrong. People down here don't know what 4:20 means. Which, at this point, I assumed was just a universally known thing. I guess it's good that they don't, but it makes my humorous references fall short.
Monasticism... I still consider this a worthwhile idea to pursue. Why am I working a job to pay bills? Service is a hell of a lot harder to do when it's part of your obvious duty and not something you "choose" to do. It's also a hell of a lot harder when it rubs every hair the wrong way. And it's harder when you're alone.
I wish I had someone to play music with. and frisbee.
I need a place of my own and I've got the money and I'm wondering if now is the time. Or if I can find a place that I can live with living in.
I like cinnamon rolls. And blueberies. And I'm currently experiencing technical difficulties on both those broadcasts. I might have to settle for Grape Nuts. I think I'm addicted to sugar. I'm finding it harder to continue my boycott on corn syrup, esp. because of working in the beverage market. Corn syrup is a bad idea. Way bad. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Pass the sugar beets and the sugar cane spiders because I've got a fever and the only cure is granular sugar.
I feel better when I talk about the things that make me feel worse.
Tonight is a great night for The Innocence Mission.
Every Friday I drive home towards the evening to leave my Uncle's place in Fargo and arrive at my folk's place in Alva. It turns out that I can make much better gas mileage at 55 mph, so I've been driving slow and loving it. I listen to a bunch of music, check out the scenery, think about things, chill, relax. It's the best part of the week. It's gotten green out here, and the new grass is about as tall as the old grass so you can finally appreciate how beautiful it can be out here in a living and not just an austere way. It's grand. I wish I could get paid to drive a car around. Driving a truck is more stressful, which I guess is why they pay you for it. hahaha
Alright, I'm falling asleep. Cheers!
-mike
