It's not Philosopy, stupid...

I have thus far blogged mostly about philosophical things or mundanity on my internet rental space here. I don't know that anybody reads these posts, but who cares. Man has been leaving his mark around him regardless of watching eyes because we're supposed to.

I read this dude's blog about Obama's election and U2 and Eugene Peterson and it got me thinking about my own personal life at this junction.

I came down to Oklahoma to heal from my own mental, emotional, spiritual, and financial baggage and to hopefully work on my relationship with my parents. I can't really say I've done significant, continuous work in any of those areas. In many ways, each of those areas is worse than they were before I came down to Oklahoma. At this moment in time, I feel that I'm going to look back regretfully on my life and choices down here. I've never had the opportunity to say that about any other time in my life. I've always had reason to carry any of my history in two hands, weighing out one side with the other, finding an even balance. The regrets I've had in my life have been more about things I had no control over. That is simply not possible with this epoch in my history. Without ever intending to, I've let each of these areas slip away in my life. I've made obviously bad choices, doing things I knew weren't really good for me, or even right, not to mention rife with all kinds of nasty potential consequences. I think I'm still in denial, actually. There's still a sense inside of me like I'm watching a car-crash in a movie and none of this can possibly be real and I'll wake up soon and it will all be okay.

Here in NW Oklahoma, I've been as isolated as I've ever been. I've made no friends down here. Everything I do is removed from what I'm used to reality being. Reality reveals itself very slowly down here. It's you and the grass and the animals and the dirt, by and large. And they don't tell you the consequences of your mistakes very quickly. It takes time. Everything grows out here. The wind has to blow through it for awhile. In the city, everything happens fast. You get virtually instant feedback. People tell you what you're doing wrong, or right. The shops and businesses and culture are all talking to you very loudly and quickly. If you don't have money, you can't get that new thing you've been seeing and hearing everyone else go on about. If you're hateful towards people, they'll return the favor without hesitation. There's all kinds of people and cultures with expectations they're holding over your head. Here, the cattle and the horses and the pickup trucks and wheat and birds don't have any expectations for you. They don't tell you're doing the right thing or the wrong thing. If you're a nasty human being, they suffer quietly. If you're a wonderful human being, they applaud you slowly or not at all.

There are aspects of that I enjoy. I don't feel any pressure to be something I'm not. Conversely, I don't feel much pressure to be all that I could be, either. No one cares whether my views line up with theirs. Conversely, counsel is dispensed just as sparingly. I don't have to worry about what anybody thinks of me. Conversely, they don't.

What was in these posts by this dude said to me, "Where have you been? I was looking for you, but I couldn't find you." It is difficult to face that mirror. It is embarassing. It is loaded with regret, baggage, and pain. There is hope in it. But the decision has to be made that the hope is worth the pain. And I hate pain. A lot. It's ultimately a decision between selfishness and selfless ness. Again, I hate decisions like that. I don't want to drive the car right now; I want Greyhound to do the driving for me. I will gladly brainstorm for you all day, just don't ask me to move. But when the Lord get ready, you gotta move.

"Beautiful Lord.... Awesome and mighty..." -Leeland